This is a friendly reminder to stay the fxck home.

Since around 2018, our company started to bloom in terms of number of employees. This means that the office has been steadily becoming a petri dish. Around this time of year, I feel compelled to remind our team of the importance of staying the f*#k home if you’re sick.

The Policy

It isn’t some personal aversion (though it sort of is) to people coughing in the office. Even before COVID, we have had an office policy of working from home if you have symptoms and not working at all if you’re sick.

The Reasoning Behind the Policy

The logic here is simple. If you have symptoms, you could be contagious (even if you feel fine). And if you’re sick, you’ll do everyone a favor if you get some rest and recover. You might think powering through a fever makes you a hero, but actually it just:

• 🤕 Makes everyone worried about you
• 🤧 Reduces your productivity and harms the quality of your output
• 🤒 Increases your recovery time
• 🤮 Creates an awkward atmosphere where people really don’t want to be around you, or have to suffer hearing you cough your way through a meeting

And maybe those reasons sound a bit crass or insensitive, but in my experience, people don’t believe they have the right to rest and get better (which you absolutely do). So, I usually apply their own logic against them.

“Your output quality is terrible,” seems to work better than, “You need to get better, go get some rest.”

The Reminder

Am I a doctor? No. ❌

Am I in HR? Absolutely not. ❌

Is it my job to communicate company policy? Nope, I’m a product manager. ❌

Did I write this to communicate something in a digestible, humorous way? I hope so. 🤷🏻♀️

Did I have fun writing it? Yes. ✅

Full text:

I’m not sick!

(Spoiler alert: You are)

Updated for COVID

You sure about that? Maybe you have a headache, or you’re really tired. But here is a surefire sign: If you’re producing mucus that’s not clear in color (that means any yellow, green, or funky looking boogers), you are battling some kind of bacteria or a virus.

Other symptoms you’re sick or getting sick other than funky mocos?

• Body aches (like a stiff neck)
• General malaise (you feel like a bag of shit)
• Fatigue (you’re tired for no reason)
• Headache
• Sore throat

COVID isn’t the only contagious thing on the planet, ya’ll. You could have a cold (another coronavirus) or the flu. Or some other random virus no one knows the name of.

But guess what? There’s more.

Most people who have a cold are contagious a day before cold symptoms appear. This means that as soon as you start blowing your nose, sneezing and coughing, you are already a walking biohazard.

People can get your bacteria or virus from contact with contaminated surfaces like your desk, or if you touch all the forks in the kitchen after touching your nose or mouth (like when you blow your nose or cough into your hand). Or from inhaling the airborne virus after you sneeze or cough into the air like a germ geyser.

Bacteria and viruses LOVE lowered immune systems. This means right now with high stress and lower temperatures, everyone is more vulnerable to the spread of illness.

So!

• If you are producing mucus that is yellow or green, you are likely contagious.
• Denial is not a cure for the common cold
• Everyone should be washing their hands all the time, getting proper rest, and getting the vitamins they need

Or go ahead and watch your colleagues drop like flies. 😷

So if you are sick, please refer to [our official company policy document] to find out what to do next (TLDR: YOU GO HOME AND YOU STAY HOME).

Also.. wash your dang hands.

😘